Monday, September 26, 2011

How to Become a Popular Blogger... (Part 2!)

Let us face it. You all want to be popular like these crazy minded bloggers, who are arrogant enough not to reply back to your comments. (I just replied back to all the comments on every post of mine, even the two year old ones, you see!)


Also, this is a season of sequels, and prequels, right? Right, come on, now? It is. I know that. And even if it isn't, I'll still post this. So, it's moot. To cut short the foreplay, this post is nothing, but a sequel of one of the most popular posts of this blog. And here it goes:

1. Write letters.
Oh, you seriously think I'm kidding? Trust me, I am not. Write a letter... to anyone, to anything, and you will, I bet, will certainly get a minimum of 50+ comments. Simple. Way. Out. "Letter to a Madrasan girl", "Letter to a Delhi boy", "Letter to your ex-girlfriend", your dick, your ass, your brain, the teacher who fucked you badly with your grades in school, college, your divorced wife, husband, girls, boys, Shahrukh Khan, Salman Khan - ANYONE. It has to work. It has never failed, eh?

2. Anti-Twilight/Bieber posts.
When everything fails to bring you some decent comments on your blog, go out and fetch everyone with your nasty anti-Twilight, or anti-Bieber posts. You see, 25% of the comments I am going to get on this post, will certainly be concerned with this dear Twilight image I added, trying to bash me to death with their Twilight, or Bieber, or even Ravindra-Jadeja-love. But, you want to be popular, right? This is the hard route.


3. Be innovative.
 You think this is an ezine-article, sort of point? Nope, nope. You need to be innovative like this guy.
 
See. You get my point, now, do you. Even if you are writing a simple, lame, retarded post - and you are sure that no one will give a fuck about that post, innovate. This is the most serious, and yet the working point for you to be popular, to hell, for anyone to be popular. Though, mind you - being over innovated can fuck your life, too. Like this:  

4. Advice people on how to be popular!
You get the drift to this post, now, do you?

5. Write some man vs. woman - females vs. males - boys vs. girls post.
Yes, I know. Girls suffer a lot. Boys are lame. We suck. You suck. I suck. Everyone sucks. Can't we all just stop cribbing about it, once and for all? You just can't go on a rampage and kill all the chauvinists; they are still going to be alive, stare at you, your boobs, your everything. This world sucks. And there's enough of it. So, if you are lucky to actually find some decent HUMAN BEING, IRRESPECTIVE OF THEIR GENDER, HOLD ON TO THAT PERSON - and stop fucking cribbing about their gender, and generalize irrationally, for the sake of it.  Though, writing such a post, for the argument, or against it, is certainly going to get you some creep loads of visitors. Go figure.

6. Write depressing posts.
"My boyfriend left me, for another girl." Uhun, go on, I am listening. "I need to write down some sad poems because I was ditched." Ahan, I am still listening, and reading - go write some sadistic poems, for the sake of it, and for the sake of those same, age old, cliched rhyming words. Can you just look at #3, and show some innovation, to show off that you are nothing, but, depressed? Can you? And hey, mind you, we care... a lot, even if you go missing, and don't post for a couple of months. We will be bothered. You doubt, eh?


7. Unfunny comic strips. *
You got nothing to post? Here's what you need to do. "Open Google." "Look around for a decent comic making website." "Pop up your super unfunny idea, and make that as a comic." "With ultra lame, and irritating characters." "Mind you - hilariously boring is a major requirement!" You are certainly up for about 20-25 comments, with nothing than "ROFL", "LMAO", "HAHAHAHAHA", your bad - what do you really expect from the commenter to post, really?

 * - Omit this point if you are one actually funny smart-ass to make some decent, hilarious strips. #Respect No one dislikes a funny strip. :)

8. LEAVE!
Simplest. Way. EVER.  "I'm done with this blogging world, I think I need a life, a serious life." Alright, for sure, we'll see you tomorrow. I get it; you've had all the drama/bullshit/blah, blah, blah, blah, and nothing is just working out for you. "Huh? You think I am kidding. Seriously! I'm leaving!" Leave already, baba. Despite how popular you think you are, the truth is, no one gives a shit if you leave and never come back.  Just leave quietly and never return. "I'm never coming back! Never!" Okay, you are already boring me with you fucking shit - we'll see you in a week or two. Have fun, till then.

9. Fake yourself to be the next legendary photographer!
For God's sake, we have some decent photographers in the blogging world, and they certainly click some brilliant photographs. Why the fuck, do you need to interfere in their genre, just to prove that you are nothing but another retarded being on this planet, who will go to any extent to prove that, well, you want to be popular. Here's way your out; be a temporary photo-blogger, in spite of being clueless about those terms like, focus, light, and blah blah. Genuine Photo-blogger? Respect, again. :) Self-explanatory, eh?
 

10. Pretend that your blog was hacked!
Seriously, you think this won't work? Write a rant, praise Salman Khan, post video links of Bieber's songs, claim that you are a homophobic, a rapist, a thief, a murderer, post nudes, your nudes, your favorite nudes. DO ANYTHING. And then, simple, the next post - "I am sorry for the fuck up guys, my account was hacked." I trust you, it was. There's no way on Earth, you'd get an urge so strong to post so many porn photos in a single post. I know you, little cute fellow!



11. Post your love/hatred for a religion.
Oh, you already did know that, this one is a pure picture perfect, eh? Okay, this one is for the ones who just want views, and comments - irrespective of how abusive, lame, and moronic the comments are. One lame, for the sake of religion post, and bang - you have shit loads of visitors on your website/blog, now. People care, and give so much damn about religions, you have no idea. Go try it out. There's no chance on Earth, it won't work. I bet my ass on this one. Tried, and tested.


12. Bitch about your ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend!
Okay, being sad about your breakup is one thing. Being hurt about breaking up is another thing. BUT, BITCHING ABOUT YOUR EX, days after your breakup? This one is class apart, and the best thing about it? You still manage to get all the sympathy in this world. Too bad, your ex is not a blogger, else, well, you know. If you are so scared of being alone, and alone, and lonely, and a loner, and the synonyms are the only sane thing in your life, here's way your out: 


13. Fight over the internet.
"How the fuck did that person manage to steal my followers?" "How come you have more friends than me on Facebook?" "Blame anyone on the internet, for anything troubling you in your real, and virtual life. And sadly, people will care.



...and remember, in the end

 

... and thus, I screwed my every chance of getting laid, now or, ever. Thank you very much!

-


40 comments:

  1. Hey how dare you??!!! :Dhahah
    I take offense for the points 1,3 and 5. I have written just one letter but yeh tht was a success. But pls appreciate the content too :p. I will nver ever write a twilight related post or harcore poems (coz i cnt rhyme and thing too much ), nor will i write depressing posts abt my love or bitching abt my ex or current. Heh.But man vs woman :p.I am easy on men coz the two dark stories wich i wrote, the men whr the unafithful bitches in thr. See me not a feminist :D.
    Great post!

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  2. Ok lots f typo error...reading n commenting thru phone u c. Also btw,
    ''women whr the unfaithful bitches''*

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  3. Great Ideas ! write about Blogging :))

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  4. nice:) i hate people who stay obsessed with twilight and biber

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  5. Haaahaaa. I cant stop laughing. I am really embarrased to admit but I did try some of it. I used to be this happy blogger and was really confused why people didnt comment. One day out of the blue I wrote a depressing post (though in reality I was laughing my ass off) and woah!! comments started flowing.

    ok I can go on and on. So just two words excellent post. :]

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  6. This post makes me laugh. You're good. :D

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  7. true, true and true. :)

    im glad i dont write to hog comments.
    i write because someone opens my diary and i have no where else to write. seriously.

    good one.

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  8. Awesome post. Really great. You have picked up most of the tips and tricks of the quick and fast way to blogging success..well done and humorous!

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  9. Does the name matter?

    You did get a follower and a comment :P. What more could a blogger ask for? ;)

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  10. Hahah Arjit! U r more amusing than meditating animals! ;)

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  11. An insightful post..looks like someone has gone thro it all...Amusing for sure.

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  12. I think I am doing everything you mentioned :)
    Now, I wonder, if I should reply back to comments on my blog. I do not reply on the blog, I rather comment on the reader's blog. Why increment my own comment count? Would you have liked if I had added this on my blog?

    :)
    Chintan

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  13. Whoa!! This is what I was waiting for! Sir, you are an utter genius!! You are gifted with some out of the world powers and we end up reading anything that you write! Anything! And rofl throughout the post!

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  14. This is inspiring. Maybe I will write a letter to Sonia Gandhi in which I will talk about religions and bitch about Twilight (doesn't deserve it. Too crappy to bitch about, but what the hell).

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  15. Cool post, Mate .. I really loved the 6th and 13th point. Controversial topics do drive a lot of traffic :)

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  16. amusing post....it seems to be the season of writing letters.....and the kind of response it is generating is ridiculous....it deserves to be number 1...perhaps i should try a few of the above..

    http://theoxymoronworld.blogspot.com/

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  17. haha! awesome read (may be I am one those sad people with no work on a Friday, snooping around blogosphere looking for tips to be popular)...

    but yea, no.4 definitely works it seems. I stumbled upon your blog (no regrets)!

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  18. I am just an amateur blogger and if ur tips do some good to me, then I will be the happiest man in this blogging world; do see my blog when u find time
    link: http://sriramnivas.wordpress.com/2011/09/29/while-sikkim-is-sick-north-east-india-is-critically-suffering/
    This is my new post(29th sep 2011)

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  19. haha, like really?
    I had almost quit blogging some time back, and was working on my photo blog rather.
    Blog walking is fun, I Found this.
    This is hilarious. :D
    Man, the twilight post and Justin's was awesome.
    And bitching about ex boy-friends, or rather being upset and all. Been there done that, was more of a "Why can't you learn to keep it simple and happy!" LOL.

    Keep Blogging. ;)

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  20. Dude, because you're amazing, I got seven awards for you. <3

    http://aasiyahrising.blogspot.com/2011/10/seven-whoa.html

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  21. That was some chilli pepper. Totally agree with the photography wala point. All those wannabe DSLRians who spend hours digitally altering the image!!! Refreshing post, as usual.

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  22. I think I'm just gonna stick with the unsaid and unsung 14th point.:-) Take blogging tips from Arjit Srivastava.....;-)

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  23. This Rahul landed here from my blog after I paid a glowing tribute to you over there and he didn't say anything about my post :'(....no fair!!!

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  24. @Arjit Tis true.....This pinkish dragon maiden has led me to your lair......There,happy??:-D

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  25. I really want to try number 6. If I still don't get any followers, I'm assassinating you.

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  26. I have a really short attention span so i kinda skipped a few points there, but overall it's hard to make me giggle so you get a 8/10 on the subtle humor. good job ! :)

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  27. Hi
    I came to your blog for the first time...its nice ..
    You know I started on serious note but reading this and it made me laugh so loudly .... Humour is good!
    Some of the point are true to..Surreal!
    ....:)
    tc

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  28. Jeez Virgin, what an observation lol...how could you man...wonderful work..and i would say that some of them are worth following :P


    !Ste

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  29. OR you can just write a post, or a couple, about how to become a popular blogger. ;)

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  30. I shud give a few of these ideas a go then ..
    as such friends like you have long stopped coming over to my blog :(

    he he he he

    Bikram's

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  31. Woohoo this was quite a post! Loved it!

    You certainly do know how to be a popular blogger :)

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  32. I'm mailing you. Can I have the favor of a nice-not-so-sarcastic- but- genuinely-helpfull- reply ?
    I hope. Cya on mails.

    Ps- You certainly are a honest guy. :)

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  33. Great information! I've never known about 6 methods, thanks !!!

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  34. Cool post...so you've tried all that, eh?

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  35. I tried it all it doesn't work!! yelp!! I whaanaa b fhaaaaamussss!!!!! =( =(

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  36. This is one hell of a cool post! respect man! :D
    one thing which i think helps the best is being random. Ramble about your girlfriend, your sofa, stinking feet, poop, basketball, Paris all in the same post and people will still like it. :D

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